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One Liners…

November 30th, 2009 Pake Leave a comment Go to comments
  • Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  • Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it’ll be a great trade!
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
  • Everybody repeat after me…”We are all individuals.”
  • Death to all fanatics!
  • Chastity is curable, if detected early.
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect it back.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  • Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.
  • If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
  • There’s no future in time travel.
  • If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  • Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
  • Corduroy pillows — they’re making headlines!
  • Polynesia — memory loss in parrots.
  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • Laughing stock — cattle with a sense of humor?
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
  • Lord save me from your followers.
  • Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
  • I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.
  • Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
  • Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • “More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!”
  • I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • All generalizations are false, including this one.
  • I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
  • I want patience… AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  • If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
  • Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
  • I have friends who swear they dream in color…It’s just a pigment of their imagination.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  • Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  • Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  • Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2, either.
  • Department of Redundancy Department
  • 90% of all statistics are made up.
  • “If the shoe fits, buy it.” Imelda Marcos
  • It’s sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
  • Karaoke is Japanese for “Tone Deaf”
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
  • A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  • A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
  • Alzheimer’s advantage: New friends every day.
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • An unemployed court jester is no one’s fool.
  • Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
  • As I said before, I never repeat myself.
  • As long as I can remember, I’ve had amnesia.
  • Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
  • Bombs don’t kill people, explosions kill people.
  • Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
  • Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
  • Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
  • Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
  • Clones are people two.
  • Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
  • Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
  • Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
  • I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
  • Do not put statements in the negative form.
  • Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
  • Don’t be a sexist, broads hate that.
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Friction can be a drag sometimes.
  • Geez if you believe in honkus.
  • He’s a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.
  • Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he’s back!
  • He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
  • Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
  • Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
  • I bet you I could stop gambling.
  • I couldn’t care less about apathy.
  • I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
  • Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • Drilling for oil is boring.
  • Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
  • I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
  • I wouldn’t touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
  • I’ve got a mind like a.. a.. what’s that thing called?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.
  • If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
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